I have been on an hiatus. I have gotten a bit off track. I think. I still haven't figured it out. I have been trying to figure out why God has given me such a desire to do something great in the world. Something that makes people see me and say "wow!" I thought I knew what it was and that I was on my way. But over the past year, I feel like I have gotten off track. As I sit here at work, I had a fleeting thought: Maybe what I was called to do for this season is to be a mom and a wife and to do it as well as I can. Maybe that is the grand thing that I have been called to. Can I be okay with that? When I am picking up dirty underware off the floor, impersonating a cow for the baby, wiping syrup off the kitchen table and explaining why my 3 yr old cannot have candy for breakfast, will I think I have "arrived?" Not too sure about that.
I confess, I look at what God has called my husband to and think "Wow, what fun that seems to be." I admit I get jealous. But it makes no sense because the grass is not greener on the other side and it's not what God has called HIM to do but US to do, eventhough my involvement is indirect.
All I want right now is to be fufilled. So badly do I want to be fufilled. I realized that it's not going to happen unless I do what God has called me to do and submit completely to His direction. The problem is I just don't know what that is. Do I work and bring income into my family? Do I stay home and take care of the home and manage our family? What do I do? I still don't know and it is uber fustrating.
I just had another baby. Yes, another one. She is adorable. Demanding but adorable! And now I find myself back where I was when my first daughter was born: feeling pushed aside and forgotten. Don't get me wrong, I am so greatful that my little one is healthy and happy and I am sure in a few months, I will not remember what life was like before her. But, it has not been easy to let go of the life I was just beginning to build. I was just coming out of the baby section in the sactuary and now, I am back there. I was just starting to get a good night's sleep and now, I am learning to function again on 3 or 4 hrs. I was starting to participate at the church and make new friends that began to develop into a family, and now I am wondering if I will do anything besides hold a screaming baby and feed demanding toddlers.
I hope I don't sound ungrateful because I am not. My pain in my words are the result of a season of streatching. God has called me to streatch again. Lord, I am willing but I am weak. Thank you for never leaving me nor foresaking me, especially during this year of letting go and letting you show me who you have made me to be and what you have made me to do. Thank you.